Learn to Love Again
by inlovewithalovestory
Summary: Regina is devastated by Daniel's death, but someone in her new life is willing to help her pick up the pieces. Outlaw Queen AU where Robin is a servant in King Leopold's castle when Regina becomes Queen.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: First story I've published! I don't use a beta, but I do proofread it twice myself, so if there are any errors left after that, they're all on me.

Disclaimer: If I owned them, I'd be Disney. And if I were Disney, I wouldn't be sitting at my computer, I'd be in Disney World, so no, not mine.

I put the long author's note at the bottom, so you can get to reading. Hope you enjoy!

* * *

><p>Regina gazed out over the courtyard. So, this was to be her new home. She was completely alone for the first time since setting out for Leopold's castle. Her mother and father, With their servants, had just left. They would return in just a few weeks to see her marry the king. Suddenly, a knock on the door jolted her out of her thoughts.<p>

"Come in," she said curiously, wondering who could be at the door.

Robin entered the woman's chambers carefully, taking in the sight of her. She was, undoubtedly, the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He had heard, of course, that the young woman was gorgeous, but he hadn't expected her beauty to stun him like this. He had also heard she was young, but she looked even younger than he had expected. _This_ was the king's bride-to-be? Why, she was practically a child. The king was old enough to be her father. Robin was young himself, barely 23, but this girl– he couldn't bring himself to call her a woman, not when he sometimes still thought of himself as a boy– looked younger even than him. If he had to guess, he would say she was barely 20 years of age. Too young to marry, he thought. But, no, he couldn't question the king like that. His job was to service the royal family, not to question the king.

Still, she seemed so small and withdrawn, the complete opposite of her mother who had been demanding and uncompromising— or so he had heard. He hadn't actually met the woman. He wouldn't be surprised if the girl had been very much subject to her mother's demands her entire life. And she just seemed so young, so unready for marriage, that he suspected her mother must've been a significant factor in her accepting Leopold's proposal. But, he chastised himself, that was a lot to infer from just a glance at the girl.

"Princess? Princess Regina?" He addressed her, trying not to jump to conclusions.

Regina opened her mouth to correct him, to say there's no need to call her 'Princess,' but she stopped herself. _I'm to be queen. _She reminded herself. _and he's a servant. Soon it will be 'your majesty,' and mother would say I need to get used to everyone addressing me this way_.

"Yes?" she said instead.

"My name is Robin, my lady. I have been asked to see to your needs for the moment. I was told you did not bring any of your own servants to join you here, is that correct?"

"Yes, that's true. My mother was assured the staff here would be more than capable of seeing to my needs."

Cora had decided not to allow Regina to bring with her any of the staff who had cared for her as a child. As if killing Daniel wasn't enough, she wanted Regina to be completely dependent on her new husband and his staff. She didn't want her daughter to have anyone she knew who might be sympathetic enough to attempt to help her escape. Not that it would help. Regina was imprisoned here by a barrier spell until the moment she said 'I do,' and became a prisoner of the marriage she didn't want.

"Very well. We can't really spare many people at the moment, as everyone is very busy preparing for the wedding, but I will speak to the head of the staff about getting you a lady's maid. If it is acceptable, I will be the one to bring you your meals for the time being. They will be served in your sitting room unless you are dining elsewhere with the King. Also, I will be on call should you ever need my assistance. After the wedding–once you are queen, you will be asked to choose a small personal staff."

She nodded. "Thank you, Robin. I believe that will be acceptable."

"Very well, my lady. Is there anything I can do for you at the moment?"

"No, I'm fine, thank you."

"Alright, well, if you need anything, just ring for me." He said, indicating the bell on the table in the center of the room.

He turned to leave, bowing as he left.

He was halfway out of the room when he heard her voice: "Wait!"

"Yes, my lady?" He said, reentering the room.

"My… my tree?" she asked almost shyly, her voice lacking the quiet confidence it had had only a moment ago. "Do you know where it is? Do you know if it's been planted yet?"

"What tree? I'm afraid I haven't heard anything about a tree."

"My… apple tree. I… brought it with me. Mother said… she said, the king gave permission for it to be planted in the courtyard. I've tended to it since I was a little girl. I was hoping that… having it here would… help it… to feel …a little more …like home." Her voice trailed off. _Of course he doesn't care! _She berated herself, _why would I say that?_

"Very well, my lady. I will inquire about your apple tree." he responded, and she was surprised when he added: "I'll… ask that it be planted as soon as possible for you."

She gave a small smile as he left the room. He surprised himself by heading immediately to find the head gardener to ask about her tree. Normally, he'd just wait until he ran into the man, but something about the queen-to-be– her sadness, perhaps– made him want to help her. More than that, it made him curious about her, made him eager to see her, to speak to her again, and the sooner he asked about the tree, the sooner he would get the chance.

Unfortunately, he was unable to find the head gardener until late in the evening, though he did get the man to promise that the tree would be planted first thing in the morning in the courtyard.

* * *

><p>The next day, he knocked on the door to her chambers around midmorning.<p>

"Just a moment," her voice came from within the room.

Moments later, the door opened to reveal the young princess, still in her nightclothes, with her long hair unstraightened, curled and flowing down her back. His eyes met hers for only a moment before he dropped his gaze to the floor in deference to her attire, but by gods, she was stunning. She was, he thought, even more beautiful than she had been the previous day, dressed in a gown fit for a queen, with her hair done up in an elaborate style. As beautiful as he had thought her yesterday, it seemed that all those trappings served to diminish her natural beauty, rather than enhance it.

"I… uh," he stammered, thrown by the unexpected sight of her in her nightclothes, and further startled by his own reaction to it. "I… apologize, my lady, if I disturbed your rest. I wanted to inform you that your apple tree was planted in the courtyard this morning. You seemed eager to learn of his whereabouts yesterday, so I thought you would want to be told immediately that it had been planted."

"Oh, yes, of course, thank you so much."

She sounded happy, so he chanced a glance up at her face, hoping she wasn't angry at him for disturbing her. What he saw astonished him. She was_ smiling. _Not the small, tired smile he had seen yesterday, but a full, genuine smile that transformed her appearance. It lit up her face, and however beautiful he had thought she was before, that was _nothing_ compared to how she looked at this moment.

"You're very welcome, my lady. I will… leave you be, then."

"Of course," she said, the smile falling from her lips so that he immediately regretted its absence as she shut the door.

He left to return to his duties. A few minutes later, however, he heard the sound of the bell that meant she was summoning him.

"Princess?" He called, knocking on the door.

"Come in," her voice rang out.

"You rang? Was there something I can help you with?"

"Yes, I did." She was dressed now, in a simple, pale purple gown, and she had brushed her hair, though it still fell down her back in a mess of silky curls he longed to touch. "I… don't know the way to the courtyard. I'm… sorry–to, to take you away from your duties for something so silly. I'm sure you're very busy, especially right now."

"It's not silly, my lady." He assured her, mentally chastising himself for the unexpected desire to touch her hair, "You've only just arrived, how could you possibly be expected to know your way around the castle. And, as for my duties, what could possibly be more important than seeing to the needs of the future queen?"

"Come, I'll take you to the courtyard. I'm sure you're eager to see your tree again." She smiled at that, just a little, and nodded.

He let her through the corridors of the castle until they reached the courtyard, Where she saw her apple tree had been planted in the middle. She ran to it immediately, reaching out to touch the trunk. She smiled again, but this was a different smile from the one that had dazzled him earlier. This one seemed… Peaceful, serene. Her whole face relaxed and at that moment, he realized how tense she had been. He caught himself watching her as she reached out to touch her tree, and shook himself out of his thoughts. "My lady," he asked, "is there anything else you require?"

"No, thank you," she said, still looking more peaceful than he'd seen her since she arrived." I think I will be able to find my own way back to my chambers, thank you."

"Very well, my lady. I will have the midday meal waiting for you in your chambers in a few hours."

She nodded in response, but didn't speak, turning back to the tree that made this foreign castle seem a little more like home.

* * *

><p>AN: So, this was just an AU that popped into my head, and I thought 'I wish someone would write that.' And then I thought 'I'm smart, why don't _I_ write it?'

I have the idea pretty fleshed out to ten chapters, but it seems to grow every time I think about it, so we'll see. It probably won't end up being more than twelve chapters, though.

Word of warning, though, I can't promise updates on any kind of schedule, since I'm in college and starting what promises to be a very busy semester. I'll do my best, and this _is _the thing eating up all my free time right now, but schoolwork comes first.

I apologize if Robin seems completely out of character, but I did the best I could with him being in such a different position from the show. If that's not good enough for you, it _is_ an AU, and I claim it as artistic license. If Regina is out of character, I have no such excuse, as I did my very best to get inside her head at this point in her life.

Please, please review! This is the first fanfiction I've published anywhere, and the first multi-chapter fic I've ever had enough of a plot for to even start, so I'd really appreciate the feedback. Besides, if you don't tell me that you liked it, I'm liable to get shy and rethink posting the rest of it. :)


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Hey! Update for you in honor of... it's Saturday and I finally have time to stop and think.

For the record, I'm shuffling around the events from Regina's flashbacks in 'We Are Both,' and instead of a few days, it takes place over a couple weeks. So, she tried to run away and was caught by the barrier spell before chapter one, and then her parents left the castle for a few weeks. Her parents will come back and the rest of that episode's flashbacks will happen in the next chapter (well, I won't write it, but it will be implied).

* * *

><p>Over the next week or so, life fell into a comfortable, if lonely, rhythm for Regina. Although the activity in the castle heightened as the wedding drew closer, the queen-to-be spent most of her time alone. She remained in her chambers or alone in the courtyard unless she was expected to spend time with the king and his daughter for dinner, or join them on a horseback ride around the castle grounds. Those were the worst. Being around horses always reminded her of Daniel. Fortunately, she wasn't expected to enter the stables. Both the King and Princess were accustomed to having their horses groomed, saddled, and led out to them, without ever having to enter the stables, something Regina could never have fathomed doing before Daniel's death. But now, she was grateful for the excuse to avoid the painful reminder of her fiancé's death.<p>

The presence of her apple tree in the courtyard— which she had finally learned the way to— calmed her more than she cared to admit, but she was still incredibly lonely. She liked to think of herself as pretty self-reliant, and she'd never had that many people to talk to. But she'd always had Daniel. He had always been there for her. To talk to, to lean on. His death was still raw, and she thought of him nearly every minute. And gods, it _hurt._ He had been her strength, and without him she felt as if she would crumble to pieces. Just the thought of him hurt her terribly, but the idea of _not_ thinking of him, of _forgetting—_ that was truly unthinkable.

And her father had left, too. His absence hurt almost as much as Daniel's, because even in these terrible weeks after Daniel's death, she hadalways_, always_ had her father. Now, he was gone, too. He had_ wanted_ to stay with her, she had no doubt. But Cora was adamant that Regina have some time to adjust to living in Leopold's castle before the wedding, before she had to adjust to everything else that came with being married, and with being queen. And, well, Henry was scared of his wife. He had never been able to stand up to her, not even for Regina's sake. And while she knew he loved her, she missed him terribly. She wished bitterly that he was a bit stronger, that he had been able to stand up to Cora and be here with her when she needed him.

But he hadn't, and she was alone. The servants barely spoke to her. Her husband-to-be barely spoke to her. She could tell he didn't care one way or another whether she was happy. He'd simply decided that his daughter needed a mother, and that, somehow, she was best qualified for the position. Indeed, the only people who had said more than two sentences to since she arrived had been the young princess and the valet who had been bringing her meals.

Robin, she thought his name was? He seemed young, perhaps only a few years older than her. Certainly less than thirty. Perhaps that contributed to his willingness to talk to her, especially since nearly all of the other servants she had seen were older, in their forties at least. But, though he had assured her she could call on him for any reason, she didn't.

After all, her loneliness was her problem, not something she could put upon him to fix. Besides, all the servants were busy with preparations for her wedding, and she didn't want to force him to neglect his duties simply because she was lonely. So, she suffers in silence, though she does attempt to engage him in conversations that are more than just a few pleasantries exchanged when he brings her meals.

The last servant she had gone beyond that level of politeness with, she remembered with a pang, had been Daniel. But she's _not _replacing Daniel, she thinks fiercely. Of course not. She _can't. _His absence gnaws at her soul, a gaping wound in her heart that she doesn't think will ever be able to heal. No, Robin is just nice to her, friendlier than the other servants, helping her to hold onto her sanity in this big, lonely castle.

* * *

><p>Robin cannot keep his mind off of her, the King's young bride-to-be. She's gorgeous, mesmerizing, her beauty catching him off guard more often than not. But it's not just that. She… intrigues him. He finds he enjoys talking to her, and, despite her family's wealth, in no way does she behave like the spoiled Princess he expected. Instead, despite her attempts to act haughty and distant, she is incredibly genuine, despite the sadness in her eyes. It's the sort of sadness that someone so young should never experience, he finds himself thinking. He can always see it, a constant pain in her eyes, dimmed all too rarely by that brilliant smile of hers.<p>

Too often, he finds his thoughts straying to what he could do to be the one to put that smile on her face again. He's done it only once, when he told her that her tree had been planted in the courtyard, and he longs to see it grace her lips once more. But, always, he pulls his mind away from that train of thought. These are not appropriate thoughts for a mere valet to be having about the soon-to-be wife of the king.

Nonetheless, he finds that the moments when he brings her her meals, and she engages him in conversation for a few minutes, are the bright spot of this day. He finds himself wishing, as he goes about his duties, to hear the telltale chime of the bell that means she's summoning him. But, she's very independent–also unexpected in someone of her status–and hasn't used it since that first day when he showed her the way to her apple tree. He finds himself straining for a glimpse of her anytime he's near the courtyard, as her tree is the only thing that can cause the sadness to fade from her eyes for more than an instant.

* * *

><p>Two weeks before the wedding, she is 'invited'– she couldn't refuse, though she desperately wants to– to have dinner with King Leopold in his dining room, in his private chambers. For the first time, she sees him without his daughter. Dinner is an incredibly quiet affair. He comments on the food, she agrees with him, yes, it's delicious, and he asks her to confirm whether anyone other than her mother and father will be attending the wedding. Other than that, the only sound in the room is the clinking of flatware against fine crystal dishes.<p>

When dinner is over, she eagerly leaves his chambers. She must not be paying attention to where she's going because she suddenly finds herself in an unfamiliar part of the castle. It is already late, and she is longing for bed, but every time she thinks she knows where she is, she turns a corner and finds herself incredibly lost once more.

She continues this way for what seems like ages, and surely it's the middle of the night by now. She grows more and more frustrated, and snaps when she hears a voice come from behind her unexpectedly.

"Princess Regina?"

"What!?" She whirls around to face whoever is behind her. "Let me guess, I'm not supposed to be here!? Well, I assure you, I don't want to be here, but–" she stops mid-rant when she sees that it's Robin. He has been nice to her— he's the only one here who's been genuinely nice— and he doesn't deserve her abuse.

"Oh, it's you. Sorry, I thought you were…"

"Someone else? Well, it's nice to know I am not the target of your ire. Are you lost?"

"Yes," she says sheepishly, looking at her feet." I was… having dinner with the king. In his chambers. I've never been there before. I guess I took a wrong turn."

"You took several wrong turns, I suspect." He says, sounding a bit amused, but there is no condemnation in his voice. "These are the servants quarters. Come on, I'll take you back to your chambers."

"That's not necessary. Just point me in the right direction. I'm sure you were looking forward to going to bed for the night."

"Nonsense. It's practically a maze down here. You'll just get lost again."

He begins walking purposefully down the hallway, indicating for her to follow. Several minutes later, they're standing in front of the door to her chambers.

"Thank you," she says.

"No problem," he replies, "it's easy to get lost down there." He pauses for a moment, considering. "Tell you what, how about I show you around the whole castle tomorrow? That way, at least you'll have seen it all, and have a better chance of finding your way around." There's a little bit of selfishness in the offer— an excuse for him to spend more time with her— but he hopes it's also something that will genuinely help her.

"Are you sure?" She asks." I know everyone is busy… with the wedding. I don't want to take you away If there're things you need to be doing."

"I told you," he responds, "my job is to make sure you have what you need. And if tonight is any indication, you desperately need a tour of the castle, my lady. After all, the queen needs to know her way around." He grins at her." I'll see you tomorrow." He calls as he walks back down the hallway towards the servants chambers.

* * *

><p>The next day, she smiles at him as he enters her sitting room with the midday meal.<p>

"Hello," she says as he begins to set out the meal for her. "You were going to show me around the castle this afternoon, right?"

He nods.

"Unless –" she rushes to add, "unless you have something else you need to be doing."

When she moves to continue speaking, he holds up a hand to silence her. "I told you before, my lady, your needs are my first priority."

"Alright. I just–I've seen… I just don't want you to get in trouble."

"I assure you, I won't. It is far more important for me to see that your needs are taken care of than to join in on a chore that six others are already working on, and that could easily be completed by two. Besides," he adds with a grin, "I could hardly get in trouble for helping the future queen learn her way around her new home."

"Good point." She says with a sigh. "In that case, why don't you join me?" She asks, gesturing at the food he had just set out. "that way, I won't have to call you when I'm ready to begin my… tour."

"My lady,…" he began awkwardly," I'm not sure that's… entirely appropriate."

"Oh, I'm sure it's not. But, I don't much care. I've had my fill of 'appropriate.' I'm looking forward to this afternoon— it's the first thing I've looked forward to in ages, and I don't want to wait any longer than I have to. Besides, it'll be… nice to have someone to dine with."

"Very well, my lady," he says, joining her at the table.

He feels awkward as he sits down, unsure of the proper etiquette, as he tries to maintain his professionalism. It doesn't help that this was the longest he had been in a room with her since she arrived, and his interest in her refuses to quiet, leaving a thousand questions burning on his tongue.

A few moments pass before she speaks. "Eat." He raises a hand in protest, but she silences him with a look. "Eat. I never finish all this food, and I'm sure I'm keeping you from the meal you would normally be having elsewhere. Besides, I want someone to dine with for once, and it hardly counts if you don't eat anything."

"Alright," he answers, reaching for a roll, but determined to take as little food as possible from her table, "but –you shared a meal with the king yesterday evening, did you not?"

"I did," she affirms, "but it hardly counts– he barely speaks to me._ No one_ in this castle speaks to me," she adds, frustration evident in her voice.

"Ah," he says, " and is that also requisite for sharing a meal with you? Conversation?"

She gives a slight smile at that. "Well, I won't force you, but I do hope so. I think my chances with you I better than most, since I'm pretty sure that you're the only person who has spoken to me in complete sentences since my mother left," she says with a sigh.

Ah, so she was lonely. More so than he'd realized, if even the king– her husband-to-be– didn't speak to her. But even that could not account for the great sadness he sees in her eyes. What had happened, he wonders, to cause that? But, he knows better than to ask, and instead says: "That's not true. I've noticed Princess Snow White speaking to you several times in the last few weeks."

"Yes, of course, Snow White. I had forgotten about her." She smiles, but there's a bitterness to it, and to her tone of voice, which gives him pause.

"You don't like the princess? I thought you seemed rather fond of her."

"I… she's a sweet child. I just… it's… it's complicated." She says it with finality, and though he wonders what could possibly be complicated about her relationship with an 11-year-old, he lets the subject drop.

She engages him in conversation about the castle, the size of it, what rooms it contains, as she has seen very little of it outside her chambers.

A short time later, they finish the food, and leave her chambers for the tour. For a while, the only conversation between them is his explaining the various rooms— ballrooms, libraries, living quarters— and attempting to explain what routes she could use when she expresses interest in revisiting a part of the castle. But, it's a big castle, and eventually his curiosity gets the best of him.

"Forgive my impertinence, my lady, but I must say, you are… not at all what I expected."

"And what, may I ask, did you expect?"

He falters, unsure how to phrase it without sounding rude. Finally, he settles on, "someone a little less… polite, I guess."

"You mean you were expecting me to be a spoiled brat." She says, with just a hint of a smile on her lips.

"well… yes," he admits, "though I wouldn't have used those words. But, rest assured, your behavior been a pleasant surprise. Although I do wonder," he adds carefully, "how it happened that you… _don't _behave that way, considering…"

"My mother," she finishes for him when he trails off.

He nods sheepishly, embarrassed at his own curiosity, but she continues, "A lot of people notice that about me. That I behave so differently from her. When I… Growing up, my mother wasn't the most… loving parent. I was mostly raised by nannies, and I saw how they were affected by my mother's behavior. Nothing was ever good enough for her, and it wore them out. I figured out that if I was polite, thanked them, they were happier, and less likely to… leave. I lost several— they left— because of how my mother treated them. Eventually, she started taking an interest in my education, preparing me to be a wife, to manage a household. I learned to give orders with confidence, to make sure things got done quickly and efficiently, but I never forgot to be polite about it."

"Ah. I bet you made some friends among the staff that way."

Her first thought is of Daniel, and she balks at the question. "I'm sorry, I've upset you." He says immediately, when he notices a strange look come over her face. It's similar to look that she had had when he asked about her relationship with Snow White, but far more pained. She looks almost … haunted.

But suddenly she _wants _to talk to him, wants a friend, someone to talk to. Not about Daniel, but just about inconsequential things, just to have a proper conversation with someone who is not her mother, something she hasn't had in the months since Daniel died. And this man, this nice valet who is the only person to have had a proper conversation with her since she arrived at the castle, he doesn't know about Daniel, never _has_ to know if she doesn't want to tell him. So she says, "No, it's okay. You might think that, but … no, not really. Everyone was too scared of my mother. No one wanted to … get very close, to make friends with me." _And they were right, too, _she thinks, remembering again Daniel's heart being crushed in her mother's fist.

That haunted look is still in her eyes, and he has no idea what to say, no idea what is hurting her, let alone what could possibly help with it. "I'm so sorry. You must have been very lonely," he says, and it feels inadequate. He wants to touch her, to take her hand or touch her shoulder, to offer her some comfort that is more than just words. But he stops himself._ Too forward_, he thinks, reminding himself once again that she is to be queen.

She nods, a sad smile gracing her features. "I still am. But I'm okay. I have my apple tree … I guess it's the closest thing I have to a friend right now. And an occasional conversation with you helps keep me from going crazy, so I suppose I should thank you." She smiles then, shrugging off her loneliness.

Before he could come up anything to say in response, she turned the conversation to him. "But I'm sure you don't want to hear any more about my sad little life. What about you? Friends? Family?"

"I…" he floundered at the sudden change of subject, "My parents are dead. Died when I was a kid. And as for friends… I never had much chance to make any. Most of my efforts… I didn't have many chances to make friends— and here, well, no one has any interest in befriending me. Most of the other staff are… well, we don't really have compatible personalities."

"By which you mean they're all old and stodgy, and you're younger and actually _have _a personality." She smirks, and he nods sheepishly. "I'd noticed that. How old are you, anyway?" her hand flew to her mouth, as she caught herself. "No, sorry, that's an incredibly personal question. You don't have to answer that." She backtracks.

"That's alright, my lady. I certainly understand the curiosity. I will answer your question…" he says, with a slight smirk, "if you tell me the same."

"That seems an acceptable bargain," she replies with mock seriousness, "I'm eighteen."

"Twenty-three," he tells her, stunned. He had suspected that she was young, but _eighteen? _The king was, indeed, old enough to be her father, perhaps even her grandfather. But, he reminded himself once again, the king was his monarch and his benefactor and he shouldn't question him.

"Hm," she was saying, when he returned his attention to her, "I'd thought you were a bit older than that. When is your birthday?"

"It was just last month, my lady. When is yours?" he asks, and he was pushing his luck now, desperately curious, but he didn't expect her to answer.

To his surprise she did: "It'll be in … six? No, five— five months." She paused before asking her next question: "How did you end up working here when everyone else is… older?"

"That, my lady, is an interesting story, however, I am afraid it will have to wait." By this point they had arrived outside the door of her chambers. "The tour is complete, and I believe you are sharing the evening meal with the king and his daughter in a few hours."

"Yes, I am," she responds, opening the door. He follows her inside and begins to clear away the dishes from the meal he had shared with her earlier. "Thank you," she calls after him as he turns to leave, "for the tour. And for the conversation."

* * *

><p>After that, he became a bit bolder in his attempts to talk to her when he brought her meals. He stayed longer than he had grown accustomed to, exchanging more than just a few polite words with her. Occasionally, he shared a witty anecdote, something that had happened to him or another member of the staff, in an attempt to draw her out, and was sometimes rewarded with one of her dazzling smiles.<p>

* * *

><p>AN: Thanks for your lovely reviews! I'm glad to hear you don't think Robin is too out of character (Regina, too, though I was less concerned about her!). He's hard to write because we haven't seen much of him on the show yet, but I'm doing my best to make sure he looks like the same person, even if his actions are a little different due to his position as a servant.

Hope you enjoyed, and tell me what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Only a week since I updated this? Feels a lot longer! It would have been up sooner, but first I had horrible writers block, and then, inspiration struck, but instead of getting this chapter done I sat down and pounded out what I think will be chapter 8. So, yeah. My brain does not want to work in a linear fashion. Oh, well. Less time to wait for that one when I finally get there, I guess.

Enjoy!

* * *

><p>A few days after their impromptu tour of the castle, Regina's parents returned. It was two days before the wedding, just in time for them to attend the rehearsal. Both of her parents were participating in the wedding. Henry, of course, was walking her down the aisle, and Cora was the matron of honor.<p>

That day, Robin did not see Regina at all, as the wedding rehearsal and banquet took the entire afternoon and spanned both the midday and evening meals, and he was elsewhere, preparing for the deluge of wedding guests that were expected to descend on the castle the next day.

The following day, he brought her midday meal to her chambers as usual, and was surprised when it wasn't her voice that invited him in, but a harsher voice that belonged to her mother.

"Lady Cora," he began respectfully, "I didn't realize you'd be joining the princess today. Shall I bring more food?"

Regina rushed to answer, as Cora turned to survey the food he had laid out.

"No, Robin that won't be necessary." Turning to her mother, she added tentatively, "there's enough for both of us, mother, they always give me more than enough."

"Indeed," Cora agreed sharply, "and have you thought to_ tell_ them to stop sending so much food? No, of course not. Honestly, Regina, you'll never amount to anything as queen if you can even give simple commands to your own servants."

"I've been_ busy_, mother. It slipped my mind." _No, she hasn't,_ thought Robin, but knew better than to interrupt.

"Nonetheless," said Cora, turning to Robin, "young man, inform the kitchen that my daughter only needs half this much food at her meals."

"Of course, Lady Cora." He noded at her, and turned to leave. "My lady," he nodded at Regina on his way out the door.

"Wait!" Cora's voice sounded behind him, and he turned to see her with a frighteningly intense expression on her face, and Regina beside her, doing her best not to cringe.

"This is how you address my daughter!? Show some respect! In a few short days, she's going to be your queen! It's, '_your majesty' _when addressing her, and I'll thank you to use it."

"Mother…" Regina began, but her mother cut her off. "No, Regina, you are going to be_ queen_. You can't just let people walk all over you like this. Do you have anything to say for yourself, young man?!"

"I assure you, Lady Cora, I am perfectly aware of your daughter's status. However, as I'm sure you know, the title of 'your majesty' is reserved for members of the royal family, to which she does not yet belong. Once she is queen, I– and everyone– will use the proper title. Until then, I've been assured that 'my lady' is an acceptable forms of address." That was a white lie. He had been told only that she was a princess from another kingdom, but since she hadn't objected to his continuing to call her 'my lady,' he assumed that she didn't have a problem with the title.

Cora paused, momentarily speechless in her outrage. Regina took the opportunity to dismiss him from the room before her mother could say anything else.

As he left, he heard Cora's voice, admonishing her daughter for dismissing him, and wondering aloud how someone so 'impertinent' had ended up as Regina's valet. Before their voices faded completely, he heard Regina begin to explain the circumstances, and he was surprised by how disappointed he felt at the reminder that once she was wed he would no longer get to see her every day.

* * *

><p>The next day, he brought her midday meal - with half as much food as usual - to her chambers, and knocked on her door with some trepidation. He hadn't seen her at all yesterday afternoon, as she had joined her parents in their guest rooms for the evening meal, which her parents' staff had handled.<p>

Nonetheless, he entered confidently when he heard her invitation, and was relieved to find her alone.

"Good afternoon, my lady."

"Good afternoon," she said, smiling weakly, "I… would like to apologize. For my mother. She can be…"

"There's… no need to apologize. I understand. I'm sure she was just looking out for your best interest."

"Well, she certainly thinks she is. Still, you deserve an apology. You've been nothing but respectful, kind, and helpful to me these past few weeks, and you didn't deserve that. Just, know that I disagree with my mother. And… as long as she's here, you can send someone else with my meals… if you want to avoid her."

He thought for a moment, considering her offer, but he was certainly capable of putting up with a little complaining, and he wasn't about to shirk his duties. He wouldn't give the woman the satisfaction of having scared him off. Besides, avoiding Cora would mean spending less time with her daughter, and, though he would never admit it, he wanted to spend as much time as he could in Regina's company before he was removed from her service after the wedding.

"Thank you for the offer, my lady, but I assure you, I am more than capable of enduring a few complaints and I will not neglect my duties, nor my obligation to you."

Her face brightened at his words, and he thought he saw the slightest hint of a smile on her face. "Very well. You may go," she dismissed him. "Oh, and Robin?" He paused on his way out the door, and turned his head to face her. "Yes, my lady?" "Thank you." He nodded at her, smiled, and left the room.

* * *

><p>The next day, she was married. The ceremony was limited, of course, to royal and noble guests, so Robin did not attend, but he was at the ball and banquet that followed. The castle staff had been stretched to its limits preparing for the wedding, and everyone was looking forward to the next day, when most of the guests would leave and things would return to normal. Robin was tasked with making sure the guests had their fill of the beverages, but he also found himself busy elsewhere for much of the party.<p>

The work was mindless, and Robin let his thoughts wander, searching for something to occupy them throughout the afternoon. He found his mind, and his eyes, when he could see her, drifting towards Regina– the queen, she was the queen now.

She was beautiful, as always, as she mingled with the guests on the arm of her new husband. Everyone, surely, was offering their congratulations, and she smiled and nodded at the guests, but she moved stiffly, and spoke only rarely, allowing the king to do most of the talking. And, most troubling, her smiles were not the genuine, beautiful smiles he had grown to enjoy glimpses of in the last few weeks, but seemed tight and forced. He suspected, however, that he was the only one who could tell she was any less than thrilled with the event. Except, perhaps, for her parents, who surely knew the girl well enough to read her expressions far better than what little insight he had, after knowing her just a few weeks.

He turned his gaze to Cora for a moment, having concluded from what little Regina had said about her, as well as his own brief interaction with the woman, that his initial suspicions were most probably correct: She had more than a little to do with setting this marriage in motion. And indeed, the expression on her face when she looked at her daughter on the king's arm could only be described as triumph. But, strangely, he noticed that whenever her gaze strayed to the king himself, a scowl took over her face. He wondered at that, for after all, her daughter had just become queen, and surely that had been her goal. What reason could there possibly be for her to be upset?

He shrugged off the question, after all, it was none of _his_ business, and turned his gaze back to the young queen. He watched the king lead her to the dance floor for their first dance as husband and wife. She was exquisitely graceful as she spun around the dance floor, moving with the music. Someone of her breeding had probably been taught all the steps to all these dances from a young age, and her steps never faltered, completing each dance flawlessly. But he noticed that her movements were very precise, mechanical, and she lacked the thrill, the passion exhibited by the other dancers around her. After a few dances, the king beckoned his daughter for dance, and the queen left the dance floor and returned to her place at the banquet table.

He watched as her parents made their way over to her. He couldn't hear the conversation, but her mother was clearly scolding her, as she sat up straighter and her tired expression morphed into a frozen smile as the older woman spoke. She spoke to her parents for a few minutes, and then Cora left the table. He didn't see where the woman went, as his attention remained focused on the young queen and her father. Henry laid a hand on his daughter's back, and she let her façade slip for just a minute, blinking rapidly in a way that suggested she was trying to hold back tears.

At that point, he got called away– they needed his help in the kitchen. He stayed in the kitchen for an agonizingly long time, unable to get the image of her blinking back tears out of his mind. And, no matter how many times he reminded himself that she was_ married,_ for god's sake, this was her_ wedding– _to the_ king_, no less— he could not shake the wish that he could be the one to comfort her, to dry those tears, and ensure that nothing but a smile would ever grace her beautiful lips again. It was an incredible, ridiculous wish, he knew, but something about the girl was damaged, broken, crying out for help. He desperately wanted that cry answered, and no one else seemed able to hear it.

When he returned to the ballroom, the dancing had long finished, the meal was nearly done, and the king was finishing a toast. "… my new wife, though she will never replace Eva in my heart, nor in Snow's, but will be able to serve as a wonderful queen and role model for my daughter."

Robin was stunned. Although it was the prevailing belief among the staff that the king was still in love with his dead wife, he had never thought that the man would state it so blatantly in front of his new wife, particularly in a toast at their wedding. His eyes snapped immediately to the new queen's face, and what he saw there broke his heart. She stared straight ahead, eyes unfocused, her attention turned inward. Her face was expressionless. her façade like glass— about ready to shatter at any moment.

And, quite suddenly, the ridiculous wish seizes him once more, and he wants to talk to her, to comfort her, to let her cry the tears he can see her holding back. He is grasping for an excuse to talk to her, to give her some measure of comfort. And he knows these are dangerous thoughts. These are not things he should be thinking about the kings wife– especially not on their wedding day. It shouldn't matter to Robin, it should be the king's job to comfort his wife. But he cannot abandon the impulse, not when the king has just informed the whole room of how little regard he has for her feelings, and no one else seems to have even noticed the implication of his words, let alone care what the queen is feeling.

So, when she finds a moment to escape to the balcony, he excuses himself for a moment and follows her. He pauses on the way to grab a glass of the fruit juice she likes. She isn't particularly fond of wine, he knows, she has asked him to stop bringing it with her meals, and judging by her nearly full champagne glass, she feels the same way about the bubbly beverage.

"My- your majesty?" he says softly, just barely remembering her new title, as he approaches her on the balcony, and she whirls around to face him, startled.

"Oh, Robin, it's you…"

"I… I'd noticed you haven't had much to drink, my lady. I thought perhaps you'd prefer this," he says, holding out the glass of juice.

"Oh," she says, taking a sip. "Thank you, Robin."

"No trouble," he says. "I noticed you've barely touched your champagne, so I thought you might like something different."

"Yes," she nods, grimacing. "I can't stand the taste of that stuff. Wine, champagne… Everyone says I'll grow to like it, but… I'd rather have something a bit sweeter."

"I can certainly understand that. And may I just say, you look stunning in that dress, my la- your majesty." Stunning doesn't begin to cover it, he thinks, but the compliment is well received.

She gives him a small— but genuine— smile. "Thank you, Robin. And… 'my lady' is fine." He moves to object, but she cuts him off. "No, really. I'm not really comfortable with 'your majesty.' At least not yet. Just… use it when my mother's in the room. Or the ki- my husband. I don't want you to get in trouble."

"Very well, my lady," he smiles at her. "If you are done with your drink, I have to get back to work."

"Of course," she says, finishing the glass and handing it back to him.

He leaves the balcony, and returns to serving drinks. She returns to her place at the table shortly afterward, looking, if not happy, slightly less miserable than before.

* * *

><p>AN: Ok, I know that _technically_ Cora married a prince, but can you actually picture anyone calling her 'princess'? I really can't, and that's why Robin calls her 'Lady.' I could make up a complicated political reason if I really wanted to, but it wouldn't really fit in the story.

**Edit: **Ok, so I rewatched 'The Miller's Daughter,' and at the end her father-in-law actually does call her 'Princess Cora.' Oops. Still, I can't see anyone addressing Barbara Hershey's _adult_ Cora as 'princess.'

Please, please, please, please, PLEASE leave a review! I'm actually really shy, and the next chapter's giving me some trouble, so I could really use some encouragement.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N:Whew, this was a tough one. It's a different style from the previous chapters and I had quite a bit of trouble getting it out. It didn't come out at all like I planned, either.

One thing I'd like to clarify from the previous chapter: It's not that Robin is super perceptive about Regina at the wedding after only having known her a couple of weeks. It's just that, she's still really young, and not as good at hiding her feelings as she thinks she is. Robin's just the only person looking at her who cares to see beyond the surface of what she's trying to show. I tried to convey that in the chapter, but I don't think I'm all that good with the subtleties, so I thought I'd clarify.

Anyhow, hope you enjoy!

* * *

><p>Following the wedding, and her mother's… abrupt departure, Regina was asked to meet with the head of staff to discuss her needs. She was still a bit shaken by what she had done to her mother, but without Cora looking over her shoulder, she felt more confident asking for what she truly wanted, rather than what was expected of her. Cora would never have stood for it, but the last thing Regina wanted was a bunch of servants waiting on her hand and foot all the time. Lonely she might be, but if they were going to treat her like a queen instead of a person, having more people around was hardly going to help that.<p>

However, she still had quite a time convincing the man that she _didn't_ need a large staff, that merely a lady's maid and a valet where entirely adequate, and his staff could clean her rooms on the same schedule as the rest of the castle.

After they'd gotten that sorted out, she didn't argue with him over his recommendation for a lady's maid. She surprised herself, however by asking for Robin as her valet. The man was scandalized, and Regina knew her mother would have been as well. But Cora was _gone, _she reminded herself,and Regina liked Robin. He had been kind to her, he had noticed she was upset at the wedding when no one else had, and having someone like that around might be the key to retaining her sanity.

Having convinced herself, she now faced the task of convincing the head of staff that he should be on her staff. Thanks to Cora, the man was convinced that Robin was unqualified.

"Your mother said—"

"My mother overreacted." she tried to convince him.

"But, your majesty––"

"I _don't _care." she insisted.

"But, he would have to be trained––"

"Then _train _him. I don't care," she burst out in exasperation. "I want him. He has been completely satisfactory these past few weeks, and he went above and beyond what was expected of him." She tried channeling her mother as much as possible, trying to emulate Cora's intimidating behavior, the attitude she had that didn't leave room for anyone to question her._ "I_ believe he's qualified, I already have a rapport with him, and he is the one I want. So, train him in whatever he needs to know, and inform him that he will be my personal valet."

Her tone brokered no argument, and the man finally conceded to her wishes before he bowed and left the room.

* * *

><p>The next day, Robin arrived at her chambers with a question on his lips.<p>

"Your majesty, I was told that you had requested me to be your personal valet?"

"Yes, that's correct."

"I… I think you should reconsider," he began, but she cut him off.

"Now, don't you be trying to dissuade me too. I don't care whether or not anyone else thinks you're qualified. You've done perfectly well for me these past few weeks, and I don't want to have to break in anyone else. And while I understand that the staff has been incredibly busy, and you were more or less drafted into this position, and it's not your usual job, well, it is now."

"Very well, your majesty."

"Besides," she added more softly, "You're about the only person in this castle who's been nice to me. I like you. And I couldn't stand to get someone new who's afraid to even look me in the eye."

"Now that I can understand, my lady," he replied with a slight smile. "And… this is a significant promotion for me. Thank you for your faith in my abilities."

"Thank _you._ You can't understand how much it means to me to have someone to talk to." _Someone who has no expectations of me, understands I'm out of my element, who won't judge, _she added silently, giving him a grateful smile as he bowed and left the room.

* * *

><p>Once all the wedding guests had left, life settled down and Regina fell into a pattern. The king spent most of his time traveling, and he rarely left his daughter at home. So, though she dreaded the days that the king and princess spent at home, more often than not, the young queen had the castle to herself. She turned to books to occupy her time, her secret magic lessons most mornings, and, of course, tending her apple tree. But, the bright spot in her day was always the conversations she had with her valet.<p>

He had already endeared himself to her by being so kind and freely talking to her, unafraid of her even after his encounter with her mother. And as time passed she found herself opening up to him, being less careful with guarding her feelings. She was surprised to find herself trusting him. Even considering him a friend. A pleasant surprise, for she hadn't thought to find friendship in this castle.

Robin looked forward to seeing her, too. He wondered why he never saw her in the mornings, but she volunteered no information, and it wasn't his place to ask. He scheduled his day around her, bringing her food promptly at noon, and growing to expect to spend time talking with her as their conversations became more frequent.

Sometimes she would come up with excuses, little things for him to do, to keep the conversation going, instead of dismissing him. He often found himself holding a basket for her as she filled it with apples from her tree, for example. He saw right through the excuses, but as much as they enjoyed talking to each other, they both felt more comfortable not venturing too far beyond the boundaries of their established relationship.

* * *

><p>"You never told me," she says one day, about two months after her wedding, when he brings her midday meal, "how you came to work at the palace. I seem to recall being promised that story."<p>

"Well, my lady," he begins, sitting down across from her when he finished setting out the meal, "the short version is, I got lucky."

"Oh?"

"It was four, no, five? Five years ago now. I was helping out part time at a tavern nearby. It was the only job I could get, and I was barely making enough money to keep a roof over my head. The head of staff here at the time came into the tavern, and I guess I impressed him. I'm not really sure what happened, but he asked me to help him out the next day— there was a fair at the castle, I think. Some sort of big event, anyhow. I really needed the money, so I ran errands and helped clean up afterwards for him, and he invited me to come work here permanently. I mostly did odd jobs around the castle— I didn't have a permanent assignment, and I often delivered messages around the castle. Until you asked for me to be your valet. Something I never properly thanked you for, I might add."

"You thanked me. Several times, if I recall," she says with a smile.

"I just wanted you to know how grateful I am," he says sincerely. "I had expected to be nothing but a glorified errand boy for the next… fifteen years, at least. I guess I got lucky again, making such an impression on you."

"If you got lucky, so did I," she smiles at him, "You are _much _more pleasant company than whoever they would have stuck me with if I hadn't known to ask for you." He was selling himself short, she thought. He was diligent enough, he would soon have been promoted even without her influence.

She eats in silence for a moment, gesturing for him to take some of the food. Though he had grown accustomed to sitting down with her and talking, he maintained a strict sense of propriety, refusing to eat her food without an explicit invitation. **"**What happened to the man who hired you, if he is no longer head of staff?"

"He's dead," Robin says sadly. "He got ill and died last winter. Almost a year ago, now."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Robin," she says gently.

"I miss him very much at times. He was like a surrogate father to me. After my father died I was lost. I didn't have a clue what to do with myself, and no one to look up to, until he came along." He pauses a moment, overcome with grief. "But, at least I have my memories. And a place working here. I was afraid the new head would sack me, but I guess I'd proved my worth by then."

"I'm sure you proved your worth the first day. Why else would he have hired you full time? After all, you certainly proved your worth to _me_ very quickly."

"I'm sure," he laughs softly. "I still wonder, though, why he asked me to help him that day in the first place."

"He never told you?"

"No. But I noticed something in the way he looked at me sometimes, like he was somewhere far away. Maybe I reminded him of someone."

* * *

><p>Regina toys with the necklace Leopold had given her. The lavish gift the only concession he has made to her birthday. Aside from his actually <em>being<em> here, she thinks bitterly. There are no grand feasts to celebrate, not for her.

And why should there be? She is the second wife, the afterthought, who could never measure up to the woman he pines for, the dead Queen Eva. Everyone _knows— _or _would_ know if they spared a thought for her. After all, he has made it abundantly clear that his heart is still with his dead wife. And even that wouldn't bother her, after all _her_ heart is still with Daniel. But still he expects her to put on the queen's jewels and join him for dinner whenever he's here, to act the part of the loving wife. The hypocrisy, expecting her to behave that way, to _feel _that way, when he doesn't even try. Doesn't even _pretend _to care for her feelings_._

She is pulled from her thoughts by the knock on the door, announcing Robin with her midday meal. He smiles as he greets her, but she can't manage to escape her melancholy thoughts long enough to return the greeting.

"Is something wrong, my lady?" he asks.

"No, I'm alright," she replies quietly.

"Are you certain? You seem… unhappy," he persists, and the genuine concern in his voice surprises her enough to prompt an honest response.

"What is there for me to be happy about?" she says, her voice tinged with the desperation and loneliness she feels.

"Your birthday, perhaps?" he reminds her.

"Oh, yes, a joyous occasion," she snaps sarcastically. "Nineteen years old, and—" She cuts herself off before she spits out all manner of things that she should not say. "Never mind. I just… don't have much to celebrate."

"Perhaps I can give you something," he says reaching under the cart carrying her meal to produce a bouquet of violets, and a single pink rose. "Happy birthday, my lady."

She gasps in surprise before hesitantly reaching out to take the flowers from his hand. "Robin… you didn't have to…"

"I know. I wanted to. It's not much, I know, not fancy gowns or jewels, but—"

"It's wonderful. Perfect," she declares, smiling at his gift, a gift from the heart, given out of genuine affection rather than expectation or duty. She looks up to meet his eyes, "Thank you, Robin."

"My pleasure, my lady," he says as he produces a vase for the flowers. "You deserve something to smile at on your birthday."

* * *

><p>"What do you do with all these apples, my lady?" he asks her while she picks apples from her tree. It's finally spring, and the apples are ripe once more.<p>

"I eat them," she says with a laugh.

"Well, of course you do, and they _are _delicious, but there are far too many here for just one person. What do you do with the rest of them? Unless you're going to tell me you'd let them spoil."

"No," she says with a laugh, "I give them to the kitchens. They use them for apple pies, turnovers, apple juice… And I— I _used _to… give some to the horses. Every day. But that was before…" Before Daniel died in her arms. Before even the _thought _of entering the stables felt like a knife through her heart. But all she said was: "Before I came here. Now I… don't ride as much. There's… nowhere to go."

"Well, the forest is dense, my lady, but I'm sure—"

"No." she interrupts harshly, "It's… it's not the same. Where I grew up… it was all farmland. There was one hill… you could see for miles. It felt like— like _freedom._" Her expression takes on a dreamy quality, as her mind turns to thoughts of Daniel, and happiness, and the hope that she's lost. But the peace at the memory lasts only a moment, and she feels her expression harden as she says flatly: "There's nothing like that here. Only endless forest, and this castle I can't escape."

"Oh," he begins, unsure of what to say. He starts to add something, offer some sort of comfort, but she cuts him off with a look, and they finish picking apples in silence.

* * *

><p>Regina sat alone in her room, staring off into nothing as she tried to prevent the tears from coming. A year ago today, Daniel had died. A year ago, Snow White had betrayed her trust and destroyed her life. A year ago today, all her hopes for happiness were shattered.<p>

A small blessing, she thought, that the king had left the day before, taking his insufferable daughter with him. She couldn't have handled playing mother to the girl, not today. And Regina is immensely grateful for that, but now she is all alone with nothing to prevent her from brooding, to distract her from her pain. Not even Rumplestiltskin. The lessons she's had with him most mornings since she came to the castle would be a welcome distraction today, but he's busy, off searching for something. She had tried practicing her magic, distracting herself, but it hadn't worked, she couldn't concentrate, and she had finally settled into this state, staring at the wall, concentrating all her efforts on not crying.

It didn't work.

As hard as she tried to hold back the pain, to prevent herself from giving into the tears, she couldn't. She had been pushing down the pain all year, and the anniversary hurt so much. And why shouldn't she cry? There was no one to keep up appearances for, and her mother was not here to accuse her of weakness.

She lets a single tear fall, and pretty soon she is sobbing into a throw pillow, unable to summon enough strength to return to her bed, unable to do anything but lie on the couch, mourning the life she should have had, _would_ have had if Snow White had not gotten involved.

She cries for what feels like ages, finally falling into a stupor. Not quite asleep but close. An in-between state where her pain is muted, and she almost feels peaceful. Not _happy_, she has resigned herself to that. Happiness is gone from her life, but, for this moment at least, she can feel something close to peace.

Suddenly, she is awoken from her dream state by a knock on the door. _Of course,_ she thinks. It is Robin bringing her midday meal. She hadn't realized she had been lying there for so long.

"Come in," she responds reflexively, standing up. She combs her fingers through her hair, hoping she doesn't look too much of a mess from crying and falling asleep on the couch.

"Good afternoon, my lady," he greets her, entirely focused on the cart he is wheeling into her sitting room. When she doesn't respond, he looks up, taking in the expression on her face.

"Is something wrong, my lady?" he asks softly. He studies her face, weighing his words, but his concern for her quickly overwhelms his sense of propriety and he adds, "Have you been crying?"

She stares at him silently for a moment, not really seeing him, but recalling all the conversations she has had with him over the last year. She has spoken to him about her childhood, her loneliness, her dream of freedom from this castle. Her façade has been slipping around him more and more, she realizes, and it has become increasingly difficult to put it back up. And, if she's honest with herself, she doesn't truly want to. He is offering comfort, she sees it in his eyes, and she desperately wants to take it. If she shuts him out, she'll just be alone again. Like always.

Besides, she couldn't hide it if she wanted to. It's clear on her face that she's been crying. Slowly, she nods.

He approaches her slowly, putting his hand out to touch her arm. It's a token gesture, he knows, an empty comfort, but he doesn't know what else to do. He can count the number of times he's touched her on one hand. This is new territory for him. The queen usually hides her feelings behind a mask, though it's not as impenetrable as she seems to think, it prevents most people from discerning her emotions when they don't look too closely. But today, she is disheveled, her hair a mess, her eyes red from tears. "Do you want to talk about it?" he offers.

She shakes her head. She's not ready. She hasn't told him about Daniel yet, and to talk about him… She's not sure yet if she's regained her composure enough to speak to Robin. If she were to talk about Daniel now, she would shatter into pieces.

"Alright," he says softly, "do you want me to leave? Would you like to be alone?"

She shakes her head vigorously, her eyes wild. "No!" she whispers, "no, being alone is… the last thing I want." It's the most truthful thing she could have said. She doesn't want to be alone, she never has. More than anything, she wants Daniel, wants him to be with her, to fill her life with love and happiness. But fate has seen fit to take him from her, to throw her into this void of loneliness, and there is no way out. But she can have this moment of comfort, she _needs _it more than she wants to admit.

"Ok, ok," he says soothingly. He moves his hand up her arm to her shoulder, and gently guides her back to the couch, saying, "Why don't you sit down?"

She does, and he sits down beside her. He strokes her hair, soothing, as he would a child. He doesn't move to embrace her, that would be too familiar a gesture, even in this already unorthodox situation. She surprises him though, by leaning forward and burying her face in his shoulder as he continues to stroke her hair.

She surprises herself, too. She doesn't cry, she's done crying. She's just hiding. Hiding from the world, silently taking the comfort he offers, the comfort she so desperately needs. He is the only person in the castle who has shown her any kindness, and for this moment, she just wants to pretend she isn't so completely alone.

They stay like that for a very long time, no words between them, just quiet comfort.

Finally, she raises her head, and he looks at her, unsure what happens next.

"I guess the food's gone cold," she grasps at the first thing that comes to mind to break the silence.

He stands, reaching over to check, slipping back into the familiar role. "So it has. Would you like me to bring you something hot, your majesty?"

"Regina," she says quietly.

"What?"

"Call me Regina," she says more confidently.

"Your majesty, I'm not sure…"

"Please, Robin. You just spent an hour comforting me over something you didn't even understand. You didn't have to do that. And you're the only person in the castle who has done anything more than tolerate me since I arrived. Please, use my name."

"Alright, Regina," he replies, and the smile that graces her face, small though it is, is a beautiful thing.

* * *

><p>Over the next few weeks, with her occasional reminders, he grew used to addressing her by her given name when they were alone. Though he always maintained his professionalism, addressing her only as 'your majesty' when others were present, the presence of a friendly voice using her given name helped lift her spirits and eliminate just a bit of the loneliness that had plagued her since arriving at the castle the previous year.<p>

* * *

><p>AN: I know, I know. Leopold's kinda horrible. I mean he's heartbroken, and that's understandable, but _still._ I don't think he ever mistreated Regina, though. I just think that, used to being king, he never stopped to consider her feelings. That was the impression I got from the show, anyhow. And, being a good king and father to Snow does not exempt him from being a horrible human being to Regina. And the way he praises Queen Eva to the skies _right in front of her_, like in "Fruit of the Poisonous Tree?" That had to destroy her self esteem.

Just for the record, this chapter takes place over about a year. Regina's birthday is February 1, and I set the wedding in September, so each coherent section is a few months apart. And Daniel died a few weeks before the wedding (in August), so the chapter ends just before their first anniversary.

Anyhow, hopefully the next couple chapters will be up sooner rather than later, because I was working on them instead of this one when it was giving me so much trouble.

Please leave a review, let me know what you think! I had trouble with the perfectionist in me just wanting to edit this to death, so I'm hoping for feedback that says it's not as bad as I think. :)


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Well, that got done quickly. Probably because I'm dying waiting for the premiere on Sunday, and this is my way of coping. :)

Also, I realized that the title was inspired by a song from the If/Then soundtrack, "Always Starting Over." So, I figure I need a disclaimer for that, and any other references that this story will probably have. I do not own If/Then. Just all the Outlaw Queen feels the soundtrack gives me.

* * *

><p>One morning, about two months after the celebratory feasts for her first anniversary with the king, she summoned him at an early hour. For a moment, he thought he was surely imagining it, for he neversaw her before noon. But the sound repeated, and he went to her chambers. She bade him enter, and took in the expression on his face.<p>

"You look confused,"

"I confess, I am. I don't know that I've ever seen you before noon."

"You have, once before," she recalls. "The day after we met. You came in the morning to tell me where my apple tree had been planted."

"Ah, yes, of course, how could I forget?" Indeed, how _could _he forget. He had tried, certainly, but the sight of her that morning, in her nightclothes, hair mussed from sleep, was burned into his memory. He had, in fact, made a point _not_ to try to see her before noon in order to avoid seeing her like that again, if at all possible. Besides the fact that it was incredibly inappropriate for him to have seen her in such a state, that memory affected him more than he cared to admit. The woman was _gorgeous_. But, he reminded himself constantly, she was also the queen.

"What… what did you want, my lady?" He asks after a moment, distracted by the memory.

"We've such fine weather today, and it'll be getting cold soon. I wanted to take advantage of it, and pick some of my apples. If you'd care to help me?" She says with a smile.

"Of course, my lady. I'd be happy to." He responds, and they head to the courtyard.

They pick apples in silence for a while, enjoying the nice weather. She wobbles a bit on her toes when she reaches for a ripe apple just out of her reach, and he puts out a hand to steady her.

"How touching," comes an unfamiliar voice from behind him. "And who is this, dearie?"

Robin whirls around, startled, and there's a strange man standing there._ How did he __**get**__ there?_ Robin wonders.

"Moved on already?" The man addresses Regina, ignoring Robin. "Wasn't it just… two, three months ago? You were_ begging_ me–"

"He's a _friend_." The queen interrupts, surprisingly unafraid, stepping towards the stranger. Clearly, she knows him. "What are you doing in my home?"

"You've been neglecting your lessons, dearie. It's been… what? Three days now you haven't come? I thought you were sick. Clearly, I was wrong. Do we need to have another talk about your commitment, dearie?"

"Oh, what's the _point_?" she snaps. "As you said, it's been a month, and if the one thing… the _only _thing I want isn't even_ possible,_ then…" she trailed off.

"What's… what's going on?" Robin begins, trying to make sense of what's happening. Regina jumps, startled. She had forgotten he was there. "Regina… who is this?" he asks.

"I am Rumplestiltskin," the man introduces himself with a flourish. "Come, Regina. Let us finish this discussion somewhere a little more… private."

With that, both the strange imp and the young queen disappear in a cloud of smoke, leaving Robin all alone with the apple tree.

* * *

><p>He doesn't see her at all the rest of that day. When he brings her the evening meal, there is no one in her room, and he doesn't find her with her apple tree or in the library or anywhere else he's accustomed to finding her. He grows worried, and decides he will have to report her absence if she has not returned by tomorrow.<p>

To his great relief, his knock on her door with the at noon the following day is met with a soft "Come in," from the queen.

"Robin," she greets him. She looks unsure of herself, standing in the middle of the room, wringing her hands.

"Regina," he replies, also unsure of himself.

She looks at him awkwardly, unsure what to say, as he begins to set out her food.

"I'm sorry I… Disappeared. And I… I guess you probably want… an explanation, or…"

"I… I'll admit to being curious, my lady, but I'm sure none of my business. You certainly have every right to your secrets."

"Still…" she begins hesitantly, "we're… we're friends, aren't we? I at least owe you an explanation."

"My lady, you needn't–"

"No–no I really think I do. I'm sure you're making wild guesses, and I'd rather… put them to rest. Besides, I need to – to _talk_ about it with someone… someone else. Someone who's not …"

"Who's not… that man? Who was here yesterday?" He finishes his task and stands to face her.

"Yes," she nods, "Rumplestiltskin. He's a… powerful sorcerer. And…" she takes a deep breath, "he's been teaching me magic."

"… oh," was all he could manage, stunned. He had guessed, of course, that there was magic involved. That was immediately clear, considering she had disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"I suppose you disapprove?" she asks resignedly. It's a reasonable assumption, after all. Very few people in the kingdom have any experience with magic, and it was almost universally feared and mistrusted.

"I… it's not really my place to approve or disapprove, my lady."

"Stop." she said exasperatedly. "Please, Robin, don't do that. You're… you're my friend. The only one I've got. I really, truly want to know what you think." She wants approval from _somewhere_, she realizes, someone to tell her that she is taking the right course of action. She feels like she's been stumbling around in the dark since Daniel died. Completely lost, barely knowing where she wants to go with no idea of how to get there.

"Well…" he begins hesitantly, "I'm not sure I _disapprove._ But, magic? I've heard stories, and… they're not usually good. Magic is… it can do terrible things. I'm… well, I suppose I'm worried about you. If you get too involved in magic…" He trailed off, realizing as he spoke just how worried he actually was. How relieved he had been to see her today, safe and sound, after disappearing before his eyes the previous morning.

"Oh, I know. Trust me, I _know_ what magic can do," she says harshly. "I know all about the pain it can cause." She whispers, dropping her gaze to the floor.

"Then why… Why would you want to involve yourself in that?"

"Because I… I _need _it." She says frantically. "I need it," She repeats in a whisper. "Without it, without magic, I'm powerless."

"Regina , you're the _queen._ You're— How can you say you're powerless?"

"The irony has not escaped me, I assure you." She laughs humorlessly, moving to look him in the eye once more. "I am the queen. That _should_ give me power, should give me choices. That was the point, after all. But all being queen has done is take away the one choice I want— the only option I want to take."

"And what is that?"

"To leave!" she exclaims, whirling around and walking away from him to the large window behind her that overlooked the forest. "I want freedom," she whispers, dangerously close to tears. "To leave this stupid castle, to live my _own _life."

He approaches her carefully, and lays a hand on her shoulder. "Regina," he begins. But he doesn't know what to say to her, doesn't know her well enough at all, he realizes. She's never been this open and honest with him before. As friendly as they've become over the past year, he's only seen glimpses of the woman behind the mask. But now, he's suddenly seeing her raw pain, and he desperately wants to help. He wants to know what to say to soothe it, to do anything he can to give her the freedom she so fiercely desires.

"He doesn't love me," she whispers, jolting him from his thoughts.

He is silent, unsure what to make of her declaration, and she clarifies: "The king. He doesn't love me. Surely, you can tell. Surely everyone can. He's not very discreet about it," she says with as much scorn as she can manage, but the effect is ruined by the tears in her voice.

"I know," he replies softly. "You're right, I can tell. And I can also tell… you don't love him, either. Do you?"

"No," She says flatly, still not looking at him. "I don't."

"Then, is there someone else you love? Someone you want to be with?"

_Daniel, _she thinks, but she's not ready to talk about him, not yet. Perhaps she never will be.

"No," she says with finality. "There's no one. But I'd rather be alone and free out there than alone and trapped here. If I just leave, the king will assume I've been kidnapped, send search parties. I need the magic so I can escape, be free, without always looking over my shoulder." She pauses. "Robin," she continues after a moment, turning to look him in the eye. "I… I know this is… unusual. That I'm the queen, I mean, and you're my valet, and we've been friendly, but… you're the only person I can talk to. And I _really_ need a friend right now. Please," she implores him, "_please_, don't tell anyone. About magic. I just… I need—" she breaks off, holding back tears of frustration.

"I won't tell anyone," he promises, looking at her intently, taking in her vulnerable expression, her unshed tears. "Anything. I promise. Regina, you have my loyalty," he assures her. "And my friendship. If you ever need to talk… I won't tell anyone," he repeats. "You can trust me."

"Thank you," she breathes, giving him a weak smile.

* * *

><p>AN:And here you have some Rumple! I hope I did okay with him, he's hard to do. When I was writing him, I could hear him in my head, but a lot of Rumple's mannerisms are hard to put into words. And if I tried too hard I was just gonna be editing Rumple to death instead of working on the relevant parts of the chapter, so... you get what you get.

Hope you enjoyed. Leave a review! Pretty please?


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Finally done! I've had so much schoolwork, but I really needed some time off, so I took a much-needed-but-probably-terrible-use-of-my-time break tonight and finished this instead. And now I might go rewatch Sunday's premiere.

Seriously, I am **so** proud of Regina in that episode. First real challenge to her redemption, and yeah, she stumbled a bit, but she eventually did the right thing.

I'm also super mad at Robin. Like, I get it, he's in a really tough position here, and it actually went better than I expected it to (I expected a lot more drama about how she was the one who killed Marian), but I'm still so so mad at him for hurting her like that.

* * *

><p>Winter arrives early, about a month after Robin first learned about Regina's magic lessons, the weather turns bitterly cold.<p>

Regina becomes quite sick, the cold weather bringing with it many forms of illness. Robin learns of her illness one day when he brings her her meal and walks in on her while she is throwing up**. **He rushes to her side, and gathers her loose hair in his hands, holding it out of her face. She's a mess, still in her nightclothes, and looks utterly wretched.

"Regina, are you okay?" he asks her when the sickness subsides.

"I… I'll be fine." she whispers between deep breaths, and she seems determined to be just that, but then another bout of sickness seizes her body, and she's convulsing, but there's nothing left in her stomach. She moans in pain, but it seems the sickness is finished with her for now, so he picks her up and begins carrying her back to her bedchamber. She weighs nothing in his arms, and she has never seemed small to him before, but now, eyes closed, curled in on herself, she suddenly seems not only small, but so fragile, and younger even than her almost twenty years.

"Shhh, shhh," he whispers, as she lets out a pained sound. "I'm going to put you back in bed, my lady, and get you a glass of water."

He has never entered the queen's bedchamber before, but it is easy enough to navigate, and he gently deposits her on the bed. "Do you want me to cover you, my lady?" he asks, and she replies with a nod and a weak "Yes." He draws the blankets over her body, and brushes the hair out of her face. He leaves for a moment and returns with a glass of water that he sets down on the nightstand.

"Regina, are you going to be sick again?" he asks gently. "I'd like to go clean up outside and fetch a healer…"

"I'm okay," she says weakly, and he takes that as permission to leave, disappearing before she can protest his bringing a healer.

He leaves her bedchamber, retuning to the sitting room to clean up. He returns the food to the kitchen, clearly she won't be eating it today, and finds the healer. Then, he goes to get a bucket for Regina, in case she gets sick again. By the time he returns to her chambers, the healer is already checking on her.

"I can make you a sleeping draft, if you need it. But other than that you'll just have to let it run it's course. Your fever's not very high, so there's no risk there, but it does seem to be sapping your strength. You won't feel like doing much of anything for a few days. I recommend you stay in bed. I can assign a girl—"

"No." The queen interrupted, pulling herself up slightly, adopting the most regal manner she could in her weakened state. She pointed at Robin. "Him."

"Your majesty, surely a woman would be more appropriate. Someone who—"

"Won't care one way or another about me. No. Robin is the only member of the staff who has shown any level of care for my well-being in the past year. You can assign a girl to help him," she continued, anticipating the woman's next objection, "and if I require assistance in dressing myself, she can help. But I want him." Regina sinks against the pillows, spent from her argument. And it's not appropriate at all, she knows, but he has become her best friend, he is the only person in the castle who looks at her and truly _sees _her, Regina, and not a figurehead, not just the queen. The only person in her life now who cares about her, and the only person she wants near her while she feels so ill.

"Very well, your majesty." the woman says, recognizing that no argument will sway the queen, and turns to leave. She gestures for Robin to follow her, and stopped in Regina's sitting room to speak to him.

"Will she be okay?" he asks, before she can say a word.

"She'll recover. Most likely within a week," the woman says clinically, "but she will have difficulty keeping her food down for a day or so at least. If she's up to it, I suggest ginger tea to soothe the stomach, and some crackers until she feels stronger. And a word of warning: I take it the queen can be… stubborn?"

"That she can. You saw it yourself, just now."

"Well, keep her in bed, if you can. She'll be exhausted, and I'm afraid this illness could leave her vulnerable to further infection, especially if she tries to be up and about before she's recovered. I'll assign a girl if she needs help with her clothing. Ask for Lila. "The woman sighed worriedly, muttering as she left the room, "I would send for the king, but he is already on his way home."

This was true, Robin thought, but it didn't matter. The king was expected back three weeks from now, and the queen should be recovered long before that. An unexpected pulse of anger went through Robin at the thought. How could the king be gone all the time, leaving his wife to take ill and be cared for by servants? He knew the man didn't love her, but it almost seems as if he didn't care for her at all.

The queen slept fitfully most of that day and the next. Robin stayed with her almost constantly, trying to feed her some bread or get her to drink some ginger tea when she woke, and dozing in a chair beside her bed while she slept. He knew that she wouldn't ask him to stay, but he felt compelled to nonetheless. She had asked for him to be the one to care for her while she was ill. She trusted him. And he refused to let her down by leaving her side for even a moment when she might need him.

She does indeed have trouble keeping her food down over the next few days, and when she's not asleep, and he finds himself holding her hair back more than once, soothing her through another bout of sickness. It comes as an immense relief when she opens her eyes, appearing at least somewhat rested, and announces she's hungry.

He leaves to fetch her something to eat, and when he returns he is confronted by the sight of her sitting on the edge of her bed, staring intently at the floor in front of her.

"Regina," he says carefully, setting down the bowl of soup he had brought, "what are you doing?"

"Getting out of this damn bed," she replies, breathless.

"Regina," he says, moving to stand beside her. He is struck by the sight of her, ill, breathless, tangled in her sweaty nightgown— a mess, by anyone's standards— but somehow still utterly beautiful. "_Regina,_" he repeats when she ignores him. "You are still very weak. You need to rest."

"I've been lying in that bed for two days." she grits out, determined. "I'm not going to—" She attempts to stand, but her legs collapse under her weight. Robin's quick reflexes catch her before she hits the floor, and she lands in his arms in an undignified heap.

"You need to stay in bed, my lady." he insists, depositing her there with a gentle smile. "I've brought you some soup." He brings the soup to her bedside. "You did say you were hungry. Eat the soup, and then I'll draw you a bath. I'm sure you'd like to bathe?"

She nods, reaching for the soup. He reaches it before she does, and takes the spoon from the tray. She scowls at him. "I'm not an invalid, Robin. I am perfectly capable of feeding myself."

"You're exhausted, Regina. Your hands are shaking." He starts to insist, but realizes that that might not be the most effective way to convince her. He hands her the spoon. "Feel free to try, but if you spill the soup all over yourself…"

Stubborn as ever, she takes the spoon from his hand and dips it into the soup. But sure enough, the soup didn't make it halfway to her mouth before spilling back onto the tray. Scowling, she tries again, with the same result. Gently, Robin reaches out and takes the spoon from her hand, filling it with soup and bringing it to her mouth.

It is a strangely intimate position for them to be in, and the thought strikes him again, shouldn't this be her husband's job? Shouldn't the king be here helping her through this? But, even if he were here, Robin suspects, it would still fall to Robin to care for her.

"I hate you." she says, giving him a look, but there is no heat behind it, and she allows him to feed her the soup.

"Now, that's not fair, my lady. It's hardly _my _fault you're ill. You can't be blaming me for things that are out of my control."

"I am the _queen._" she says with as much haughtiness as she can manage. "I'm pretty sure it's within my rights to blame whomever I want." He chuckles at that. "But, seriously," she adds, "thank you Robin. For taking care of me. For… being my friend. I didn't expect to find a friend here."

"It's my pleasure, my lady," he says earnestly, and he means it. He has come to care a great deal for the queen, and he is truly grateful that he is the one she trusts to take care of her through this.

She finishes the soup, and he goes to draw her a bath. He goes to the kitchen, and gets the young maid, Lila. When they return to the queen's chambers, Regina is determinedly making her way across the room to the bathroom. Lila rushes across the room to help the queen, but Regina refuses and makes her way to the bathroom without assistance.

While she bathes, Robin changes the sheets on her bed, hoping it will tame the woman's resistance to returning to it when she desperately needs the rest.

To his surprise, she doesn't protest getting back in bed when she has finished bathing. She _does _refuse to sleep, however, despite her obvious exhaustion. "I couldn't sleep now, it's the middle of the afternoon," she protests. "Besides, I've been sleeping for ages."

He nods in understanding. "Perhaps you'd like to read? I can get you a book from the library."

She thinks for a moment and then shakes her head. "No," she says, sighing in frustration. "I'm not tired enough to fall asleep, but I'm _too _tired to focus on reading a book." Her statement is punctuated by a huge yawn. "Could we just… talk?"

"Certainly," he replies, bringing a chair beside her bed and sitting down. "How are you feeling, my lady? You seem to be doing better today."

"I'm actually feeling much better," she replies. "_Tired,_ but much better." She yawns. "Tell me about you. You said… your parents died?"

"Yes," he begins, "my mother died when I was small, so it was just me and my dad for a long time." He proceeds to tell her about his parents and his childhood, talking for a few hours until she falls asleep, though it's still relatively early. Once she does, he continues to sit beside her in silence, intensely grateful that she has recovered enough to eat a proper meal. He is quite tired himself, from caring for her and worrying about her, and it doesn't take long for him to drift off.

Several hours later she wakes to find him asleep in the chair beside her bed.

"Robin," she hisses, waking him from his light sleep.

"My lady," he says, immediately awake. "Is there a problem?"

"It's the middle of the night," she says. "What are you still doing here? Go back to your room, Robin."

"What if you need something?" he objects.

"I can manage to sleep by myself for a few hours, Robin. And— have you been sleeping here this whole time?" she asks. She knew had made the right decision trusting him, but this was more than she had expected. She had earned not just his loyalty, but his friendship, and he cared for her enough to stay with her while she slept. The thought filled her with warmth. She hadn't thought to find anyone to care about her here, much less care for her this much. But still… "You need your sleep, too. Really," she adds as he moves to object again, "I don't want you to get sick, too. Not for my sake."

"Well…" he starts, reluctant to leave, "if you're _sure_…?"

"I'm sure. Go to bed, Robin. I'll see you in the morning," she adds with a reassuring smile.

Over the next few days, her health improves, though she's still exhausted and spends much of the time sleeping. When she wasn't sleeping, she often asked him to speak to her, seeking something to occupy her mind that didn't require too much energy on her part. She continued to insist that he leave when night fell, reminding him not to care for her at the expense of his own health.

But then, five days after she first became ill, he entered her room in the morning to find her still asleep, which was unexpected, as she was awake before he arrived every morning, and had been recovering steadily. As he approached her, he noticed that she appeared to be shivering, and most of her bedclothes had been thrown off her body, bunched at the foot of the bed.

"Regina," he said worriedly. He wanted to wake her, but stopped short of reaching out to touch her, unwilling to violate her trust by doing so when she was unable to object."Regina," he repeated instead, a bit louder in the hope that she would wake.

A moment later, her eyes opened and she looked at him blankly for a second. She blinked, once, twice, and her expression cleared. "Robin," she whispered.

"Good morning, my lady. How are you feeling?"

"Cold," she said, reaching down blindly for the quilt.

He helped her wrap herself up tightly in the quilt, and then placed his palm gently on her forehead."I'm afraid you might have developed a fever, my lady. I'm going to go get the healer," he said softly, "alright?"

"Mhm," she managed, drifting back to sleep as he left.

Robin returned quickly with the healer, who fussed over the queen worriedly before declaring that she did, in fact, have quite a high fever. "I must insist you rest, your majesty. Stay in bed. I can give you a few herbs that might bring down the fever, but rest and plenty of water are what is most likely to help you recover."

Regina nodded in understanding, too exhausted to argue. "Good," the healer said. "would you like me to summon the king?" Regina shook her head vigorously. "No," she whispered. "Very well," the healer said, moving from the queen's side.

"Make sure she drinks plenty of water," the woman said to Robin, as he escorted her from the queen's bedroom. "and keep a cool cloth on her forehead. I'll have Lila bring you the herbs as soon as possible. I hope…" she trailed off, rubbing her temples worriedly.

"What?" Robin asked anxiously. "What's wrong? She'll recover, right? She'll be okay?"

"I hope so," the woman said, lowering her voice to ensure the queen could not hear. "This might just be part of her recovery, and if so, she'll grow stronger and be fine in a few days, but… if she's not… it could be very serious."

"You mean… She could…" Robin's voice caught in his throat, unable to finish the thought.

"I've seen cases like this get very bad, very quickly," the healer admitted, "but… I'm probably worried for nothing. You just focus on taking care of her. She clearly trusts you very much."

"I know," he replies, determined to do anything he could to help her recover, to be deserving of that trust.

* * *

><p>AN: Can you tell he's in love with her yet? :)

It's getting close, I promise, there'll be a lot more romantic stuff in a chapter or two. But, I have three exams next week and a boatload of homework on top of that, so it'll be a miracle if I get time to write anything for a while. The week after next, though, is my fall break, so hopefully I'll manage to get a couple chapters done in between super fun stuff like "writing a resume" and "applying for internships" and "responsibly planning for the rest of my life."

Anyhow, brighten up my incredibly stressful week with a review, maybe?


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Whew! This one was difficult. Lots of introspective stuff, and I had to really work to make sure it flowed and wasn't all choppy and ridiculous-sounding transitions when analyzing feelings and stuff. There's gonna be a lot of that in the next chapter, too, practically the whole chapter, I think, for both Regina and Robin, so I apologize in advance for the long wait ahead. :) And I'm sorry if that's not your cup of tea, but it really, _really _needs to be done to get the story where I want it to be.

Also: I AM COMPLETELY FREAKING OUT OVER THE OUTLAW QUEEN IN THAT EPISODE! Oh my god. Incredible. Honestly, I've never shipped anything in real time before, and this is SOOOOO hard. I didn't think it would be this hard, but... here's hoping they don't kill me from feels before the end of the season. :)

Enjoy!

* * *

><p>Instead of improving, the queen's health worsened dramatically over the next few days. Her fever climbed higher and higher, and she woke often, wild-eyed, delirious, before being dragged back into her dreams moments later. Even asleep, she was so ill, deathly pale, held captive by feverish dreams. She cried out in her sleep— wordless cries, whimpers, pained moans, calling out for her mother, her father, someone named Daniel.<p>

At least she wasn't throwing up anymore. A small consolation, but, what little food and medicines she managed to ingest were staying down. That had to be a good sign, he told himself, replacing the cool cloth on her forehead, the food, the herbs, they _had _to be helping. He had to believe that they were helping, that his efforts were not in vain. He _had _to believe that she was getting better.

He reaches out a hand, seized by the desire to touch her, to offer some support. But the desire to do so battled with his sense of propriety, his unwillingness to behave so familiarly with her. She was _married_. To the _king._ But her husband wasn't here, he rationalizes, and the man didn't care about her, wouldn't stay and take care of her even if he were in the castle. _Robin _was the one taking care of her, Robin was the one she had asked for.

Finally the need to touch her, to offer some comfort, some reassurance of his presence, of his support, wins out. He strokes her hair, then her cheek, feeling the unnatural heat of her fever, whispering words of strength, reminders that he was here for her, promises that he wouldn't leave her side until she was recovered.

* * *

><p>Three days later, Regina was unconscious, she hadn't woken for over twelve hours, and quiet she was in her sleep. Not a good sign, the healer had said, not with her fever as high as ever. She had simply expended all her energy. There wasn't much hope left, the healer continued. The best that could be hoped for was that she would hang on long enough for the king to return, so he could say goodbye.<p>

Robin continued to stay with the queen, attempting to lower her temperature, feeding her what little food and herbs he could manage during her brief periods of wakefulness.

But there was no change in her health, and nothing else he could do. He was growing helpless, and the intensity of his own desperation surprised him. Though, really, it shouldn't have. _Wouldn't _have, if he'd been honest with himself from the start. But it was more complicated than that.

Since he met her he had worked hard to convince himself that the only feelings he had for the queen were friendship. Perhaps an inappropriate level of friendship for a queen and a servant to share, but she had always been the one to take each step closer to him. He had remained as professional as he could with her. And despite his insatiable curiosity, he respected her privacy, asking personal questions of her very rarely, and then only when she gave him the opening. Any other feelings he had for her, he had always told himself, could be attributed to the fact that she was a beautiful woman, something he was not immune to, even if she was the queen. Over time, he had trained himself not to dwell on her beauty, to keep his thoughts respectful.

But now, with her so ill, he can no longer deny the level of fear that he feels, the terror that tears at his heart. Indeed, it had been present since she first became ill, but he'd managed to ignore it. He was used to stifling such thoughts about the queen. But he can't hold them back any longer, not with her in this condition. She is dying, and he is _terrified_. Terrified of losing her, though she is not his to lose. The idea of a world without her in it… he cannot even consider it.

He is _in love _with her, he finally admits to himself. On some level, he's known all along. Since her wedding, when he first felt the incredible, ridiculous wish to protect her from a world that has been nothing but cruel to her. That ridiculous wish that has _never_ gone away, he realizes, despite his efforts to ignore it. And in that moment of realization come all the thoughts he's held back since the day he met her. Thoughts about the queen that were too personal, too familiar all come rushing to the front of his mind in a flood. She is a beautiful, incredible woman. And so, so strong, to overcome whatever pain is in her past and keep moving forward. And he wants to care for her, to kiss those perfect lips of hers, to hold her and protect her and never let her go. To keep her safe and ensure that her future holds nothing but happiness.

He is in love with her, and he would do absolutely anything to save her, to ensure she lives through this disease that seems determined to take her life. He takes her hand in his, trying to strengthen her, to channel some of his strength into helping her fight this. "Regina, come back," he whispers brokenly, "_please."_

He stays with her. He can't leave. Much as it hurts to see her like this, he cannot fathom leaving her side, leaving her alone while she fights this. Even if there's nothing else he can do, he can stay with her. He _will_ stay with her, he has promised, he will not condemn her to fighting this alone, will not leave her to the loneliness she fears.

* * *

><p>The next day, Robin is at the queen's side when an unfamiliar voice rings through the room, startling him. "Regina! You've been neglecting your lessons again. We've had this conversation before, dearie. If you're not committed, I can always find somebody else."<p>

"Rumplestiltskin." Robin gasps, turning to see the man standing at the foot of Regina's bed. He had only met the man once, but he wasn't exactly someone you could forget. And… magic, Robin remembered suddenly. The man had powerful magic. He looked at the queen, pale and ill, but still incredibly beautiful,and feels renewed hope grow in his chest.

"What–what are you doing here?" Robin stammers.

"I came to see Regina of course," he says shortly. "And who are you? Oh, wait— the valet. Regina's new… friend."

Robin nods. "She's ill."

"Well, I can see that. Explains why she hasn't been coming to her lessons now, doesn't it?"

"Can you _help _her? You've been training her, surely you care enough about her to save her life." Robin asks desperately. She is _dying,_ and he's done everything he can, but now the man in front of him is the only hope he has left.

"Help her?" Rumplestiltskin giggles, and Robin has to hold himself back from shouting at the man. "Yes, _help her._ She's dying. You have magic. Surely there's something you can do."

"Perhaps," he surveys the queen's prone form. "But why should I? Magic always comes with a price, and from where I sit…" he gestures to Regina, "it doesn't look like she's ready to pay it."

"Then I will," Robin says before he can even think about it, startling himself with his own determination. "Anything. Whatever you want. Just _save her." _

"You?" Rumplestiltskin asks with a laugh. "What could you possibly— Oh!" he cuts himself off gleefully. "_Oh_. You love her."

"I—"

"It's true, isn't it? You're in love with her. Ohhh, what an interesting development." He pauses thoughtfully. "You know she doesn't love you back, of course. She can't." he adds, his tone playful, despite the venom in his words. "She's not wired that way. Not anymore. Are you sure you want her alive?" he adds thoughtfully.

"Of course I want her to live," Robin says, aghast. "Why on _earth_…" He can't finish the sentence. "Can you save her?"

"It might be easier," the imp continues, ignoring Robin. "You won't have to watch her go about her life, knowing she'll never feel the same for you as you do for her."

"Whatever her feelings for me, at least she will be _alive_ to feel them. Now, _can you save her?"_

"Touching. But no, I can't. She's too ill."

Robin moves toward him angrily, but before he can touch him, the imp disappears and rematerializes on the opposite side of the queen's bed. "You'd best be careful, dearie," he says, wagging a finger at Robin. "I'm not someone you want to anger."

Robin falls back into the chair at her side, his anger suddenly gone, staring at the queen's face. Those beautiful eyes… he'll never see her open them again. "She became ill over a _week _ago," he says helplessly, voice barely more than a whisper. "Why didn't you come looking for her sooner? Before she got so ill… you could have saved her."

"I was busy," the imp says flippantly. "But… I'm not sure the situation is as dire as you seem to think, dearie."

Robin looks at him, desperate for any hope. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing. Just that I do believe she'll recover…" he declares cryptically, "if she's meant to." And disappears with a giggle and a cloud of smoke before Robin can say a word.

Though he has no idea what the imp's words could mean, he cannot stifle a flicker of hope as he looks down at the queen's face, smoothing back her hair. "Regina," he whispers, "come back. _Please._" He doesn't say _come back to me._ The imp is right, she doesn't love him. She is queen and he… he is nothing. But it doesn't matter. He loves her and he is not above begging for her to wake up, if only it would make a difference.

* * *

><p>The day after Rumplestiltskin's unexpected visit, Regina miraculously awoke, early in the morning. Robin was sleeping restlessly beside her bed, and immediately jerked awake at the sound of her voice.<p>

"Robin? … What? … I told you…" she murmured, attempting to sit up.

"Regina!" he exclaims, startled. She's awake, she's talking to him, she seems lucid. He barely dares to hope that this means she'll recover, that she'll be okay. "Hey," he says gently. "How are you feeling? No, don't try to get up, my — your majesty. Save your strength. I imagine you're still very weak." He reaches out a gentle hand to touch her forehead, and breathes a sigh of relief. "I think your fever has finally broken, Regina," he says, moving his hand from her forehead to stroke her hair. "Thank heaven. We thought we were going to lose you."

"You … what?" Her voice is weak, but it's clear, no longer muddled by fever. "Why — why are you here? I — I told you not to stay…"

"Someone had to stay with you … you were so ill… Don't you remember?"

"I was… I was getting better. And then… I had a fever…? I don't remember…"

"I'm not surprised. You developed a high fever five days ago, and you've been unconscious for almost three days straight. We thought…" He breathes a huge sigh of relief. She is awake, and lucid, with what looks like a chance at a recovery he hadn't dared to hope for yesterday. "I'm _so_ glad you're awake," he breathes, taking one of her hands in his. "_So_ glad." He pauses. "How — how are you feeling, Regina?"

"I… better. Much better." She pauses. "Hungry."

"I can go get you something to eat, your majesty. I'll bring the healer, too. She'll be glad to see you are doing better. Don't — don't overtax yourself. Don't try to get up, okay? Not until the healer sees you, not until we know you're really better."

"I _am_ feeling much better, Robin," she insists, moving to get up.

"Regina, _please,"_ he implores, and his tone causes her to pause. "You've been _very_ ill. You really scared me — us — everyone. Just… stay here. Let her take a look at you. _Please."_

"I… alright." She nods.

He returns quickly with the healer, and the woman is amazed at her recovery. It's a miracle, she says, she had been convinced the queen would not recover, but now Regina appears to be out of danger entirely. She prescribes rest and food and water, and warns Robin not to allow her any strenuous activity for at least a few days so she can properly build up her strength.

* * *

><p>Day by day, the queen's health improves. Relief swells in Robin's chest as she grows stronger. But his anxiety grows, as well. Now that Regina was no longer at death's door, and he was starting to understand the consequences of his realization.<p>

He is in love with her.

He's in lovewith _the queen_. She is queen, and as wonderful a feeling as his love for her is, as happy as he is to see her recover from this illness, as much joy as he gets out of her smile, he _can't_. He can't take her into his arms like he wanted. He can't hold her, or kiss her, or give her the happiness and freedom she is so desperately seeking. He can't even _tell _her how he feels, he won't burden her with that. His feelings are his problem, and he refuses to force her to deal with them.

He doesn't know what to _do_. All he knows is that he can't go back to denying his feelings. And the imp was right, it _hurts_ to see her like this, to love her like this, knowing she doesn't return his feelings. He could leave, he supposes, once she has recovered. Quit his job and leave. But he can't just leave her. Not when all he wants is to be near her, to make her happy. He thinks and thinks, trying to figure out a solution. But there are no good answers, and he simply doesn't know.

He has to stay with her now, while she is recovering. For the time being, he will continue to do his job, and hopefully his path will make itself clear when the time is right.

* * *

><p>When the king returns, Regina is still recovering, exhausted, but the king insists on seeing her, and the stubborn woman refuses to stay in bed, to receive the king in her bedchamber, so she struggles out into the sitting room to meet wit him.<p>

Robin insists on staying in the room while she meets with her husband, reminding her that she is still weak from her illness, and might yet need assistance moving about her rooms. She agrees readily, for which he is grateful, as he'd expected to have to argue with her about it, but he suspects she is secretly glad to have some moral support.

When the king arrives, Robin sees her mask fall into place, hiding all the pain she doesn't want him to see, doesn't want the _world_ to see. In that moment, he realizes just how much she had let the mask down for him, let him in. He feels a surge of gratitude that he can do this for her, that she feels comfortable enough around him to let her guard down. The joy of having her trust, however, is accompanied by a pulse of anger at the king. He is not openly apathetic or disrespectful to Regina, but there is nothing behind his interactions with her, no _care_. He encourages her to put these walls up, makes no effort to draw her out, to get to know the beautiful, vibrant woman he is married to.

If it hadn't already been immediately obvious that the king didn't love her, this made it abundantly clear. He makes only a token inquiry after her health, and then turns the conversation on himself, discussing what he had seen in the past several months of travel. _She deserves so much better, _Robin thinks fiercely. _She deserves someone who understands what an amazing woman she is, someone who will _cherish _her._

As they speak, the young princess attempts to climb into Regina's lap, despite the woman's obvious weariness. Incredible, that Snow insists on calling her 'mother' and treating her like one, when anyone with eyes can see that Regina was barely more than a child herself.

Regina reminds the girl that she is still ill, and she doesn't want Snow to catch it from her. Her voice is sweet as she speaks, but her face is expressionless, mask still in place.

This goes on for quite some time, Regina nodding absently as the king talks about his travels, with the princess chipping in excitedly from time to time.

Robin watches as Regina grows more and more exhausted. She is already weak from her illness, and the conversation is clearly taking a toll on her. And, the king, he doesn't notice at all. She is clearly running out of steam, and she glances at Robin as though hoping he will be able to help.

Robin is clueless as to a course of action, unwilling to interrupt the king. But she looks at him imploringly, and he has to try _something_. So, during a lull in the conversation, he addresses Regina. "Your majesty. I… apologize for interrupting, but I think you'll agree that it's about time to wrap this up? You're… still recovering, and the healer did prescribe lots of rest."

"Of course," the king says, rising. "How careless of me." And that is the perfect word to describe how he treats Regina, Robin thinks. Careless. As if her feelings were of no consequence, didn't matter at all. _She deserves better,_ he thinks, for the hundredth time.

"I wish you a quick recovery, my dear," the king continues. Despite the endearment, his tone is formal and detached. He kisses her hand and departs, his daughter following him out of the room.

When the door shuts behind him, Regina's mask drops, and she closes her eyes momentarily, taking a deep breath.

"Are you alright?" Robin asks, concerned, putting a hand on her shoulder to steady her.

"Yes," she says after a moment. "Yes, I'm okay. Just… tired. Thanks. For…" she gestures in the direction of the door.

"No problem," he replies, leading her to her bedroom. "I could tell you needed a rescue."

"My knight in shining armor," she teases sleepily as she drifts off.

* * *

><p>AN: Poor Robin! He is so out of his depth right now. Confession: I really like unrequited love storylines. I just think it makes the love seem so pure. Fortunately for him, it's not unrequited, but it'll take some time for them both to figure it out.

Also, for the record, the illness that Regina has in this chapter is a figment of my imagination. The one from the last chapter was based on something _I_ had, about a year and a half ago (not fun!), but this one is completely made up. So, yeah. Sorry if it seems a bit far fetched, but I've had this bit planned out since I started writing this story.

One more thing: I've gotten several reviews wondering about Rumple and how he'll react to this obstacle. My take on it is this: Rumple sees the future, but he sees what _might_ be, not what _will _be. He manipulates the variables, tries to stack the deck in his favor, you see him doing that here, but there's still some element of chance. (That nothing is preordained is one of my fundamental beliefs that I use to interpret any and all fiction. I just don't like the idea of an inevitable fate.) So, yes, Rumple has an agenda, and I think we will_ probably_ see him one more time, but this story is about Regina and Robin, not about Rumple. This all happens a long time before Regina becomes evil, and I basically meant it to be about the good influence she didn't have in canon winning out over the evil. Ok, sorry, that got rambly.

Please leave a review! Let me know what you thought of my analysis of Robin's feelings, okay? Whatever you have to say will help immensely with the next chapter.


End file.
